Closeted BPD

I’m not sure how to start this... i just know that i have to get this out of me and stop fucking checking instagram every fifteen seconds. I use to write all the time, and then me and the art kind of just ghosted each other. I wish i hadn’t given up on everything that made me ... me. I guess not ever feeling good enough being who you are and always trying to be what you think you should be, what you expect the world would accept you as, just picking up pieces of other people along the way and now you’re this big mess of a bunch of different people, some brilliant ... most equal to the scum on the inside of a filthy fish tank. Expressing myself has always been easy, most times my talent is over sharing and i’ve learned, ( the hard way ) that feelings are meant to be felt... not heard. At this very moment i am realizing that maybe i was just attracting the wrong audience, or maybe i am just an insecure pathetic twat who just refuses to conform to the norms of society. I don’t know which is worse. I fucking HATE social media. Literally just put this on pause for 15 mins just to see if he checked my story and stalked his page. Sickening. Speaking of, let’s get to the HE. Justin Alexander Macciano. Heck of a guy, just the epitome of a family man. A provider. A giver. Honestly a well rounded great guy. He has his flaws, as do we all. Maybe I am just expecting too much from someone who has already given me so much. Which poses the question... is there anything worth salvaging anything from this very broken, arguably ceased relationship? If I constantly feel i deserve more yet he believes he’s giving me the world. Is a matter of perspective the demise to my, by far, one true love... Not like one true love fantasy princess bullshit. One true love like you’d rather see them happy with someone else if they’re not happy with you but you’ll probably stalk them for the rest of their lives on social media. That one true love. The love that you give to one maybe two if you’re lucky people in your whole lifetime. The one love 9 out 10 times you fall more than them. So if you made it this far and stuck through the tangents i need some outside perspective, here’s the scenario. So, i suppose i should disclose that i am well aware i am more insecure than most, i’ve come to terms with that and truly have been working on that and if i do say so myself, have come a long way. That being said, little things like a simple double tap on a beautiful girls picture shoots my heart to the deepest depths of the ocean. Now, even though it hurts. I bite my tongue and move along because i know how stupid and immature that is ... and although i know there are men out there who refrain from doing so because they too know what it would do to their significant other, my SO is not one of those men. So i have learned to deal with it. However, there are a few females that i am just outright uncomfortable with him having on social and especially liking their pics. So i removed them myself. Which was probably wrong yea yea yea i know but talking to him about how i felt he never would’ve done it himself because he just thinks me pathetic and reminds me that i’m just being insecure. So yea, i removed two females from his instagram. And now he has them back. Why. I mean one of them obviously had to look the other up and if that’s not a sign of interest i don’t know what is. Would appreciate the insight of people in relationships , male or female. Agree/disagree. Also, don’t be rude. I am not playing the victim, i own up to my shit. i know i’m a fuck up. There’s a lot more to the story but i don’t believe it’s in any way relevant to the social media thing. So, we shall save that for another time. Au Revoir, TheGirlAfter

source https://www.inspectorsjournal.com/topic/18823-closeted-bpd/?do=findComment&comment=172258